Grief

Grief.

Such a taboo subject... When Elizabeth died I wondered what could possibly help.  I am a reader, so I looked to books and began my search.  There are a few self-help books on the market, but I was surprised to find very little choice.  There were even less written in the UK with many written in America.  I had to get on with things for the other children, but I just wanted to read something which mirrored some of my feelings.  I had always remained so positive up until Elizabeth died, I needed something else to help me see some positives somewhere!

Rewinding back to when Elizabeth started to get grizzly and sleepier than normal.  I knew something was wrong, but I always hoped for a miracle, I have found stories where the tumour suddenly stabilises or suddenly shrinks.  I also hoped for some treatment just to give us that bit more normal time as a family and get her on that trip to Disneyland.  Unfortunately, that was not meant to be, however even when we signed the DNR form (Do Not Resuscitate) I still hoped she would prove them wrong! Further down the line by the time she had exceeded expectations and we were into the 3^rd week in relapse, it became much harder to see her uncomfortable, weak and thin.   She had plenty of pain relief, but I constantly worried she was in pain and hated getting her changed, giving her an extra dose of morphine while I did to make sure she wasn’t.  When Elizabeth looked scared on her final evening with us, it felt cruel, but I wanted time to stand still, I cuddled her, smelled her and cherished those moments with her.  I knew that night she had to leave and at some moments hoped it would happen sooner rather than later.  On the 14^th April 2018 at 9.20am she took her last breath and I was distraught, although part of me was relieved that she was no longer suffering in anyway.  I cuddled her for as long as I could and didn’t want to let go.

When we came home on the Monday I was alright…I had lots to organise at home and get ready for the girls for school.  There was the funeral to plan and lots of people to contact.  I stayed strong taking the girls to school and talking to people on the phone, registering the death and getting food shopping.  The children were the same, I guess they were relieved that I was not dashing back and forwards to the hospital all the time.

My first hurdle was the funeral, I hate getting upset in public! I got ready that morning and sat with Elizabeth in her bedroom for a while.  She had come home the night before and although upsetting and confusing for Johnny especially it was nice to have her home for one more night.  Sitting in the church I was okay until everyone started to arrive, when the opening song played (Love You For a Thousand Years, Christina Perri) I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.  James did so well as he read his tribute.  The video of all her best photos was amazing but so upsetting and especially hard to see the children so upset.  By the end of the day we are all exhausted and drained but proud that we had given Elizabeth a great day to remember her.

The next few weeks went past without any drama; the days were much easier than the evenings because I was so busy.  The evenings however were more challenging, once the children had gone to bed I would sit and watch videos and look at photos.  It is just a constant feeling of missing something.  The next big hurdle was leaving Colyton to go to Disneyland, Paris.  Obviously, the children were beyond excited, but I was so emotional that week.  The whole trip was originally planned for Elizabeth and was a ‘well done’ for all the gruelling treatment she had endured over the past 10 months.  It was also the first time we had not regularly attended her grave, although we had plenty of friends who went to visit while we were away.  The trip was magical, and the children enjoyed themselves so much, a great adventure.  I loved being away and loved the fact that not everyone there knew what had happened over the last year.  We looked normal!

When we got home we knew we had to just keep booking trips up over the next few months, to give us something to focus on.  The last year has shown us how quickly things can change and if we can afford to we will continue to book weekends away and holidays.  The children love it so much and James and I both relax when we are away.   We booked a holiday to Menorca for June, the children’s first time on a plane!

Over the Summer we also camped at Woodlands for a couple of nights and had a few days in Croyde, courtesy of the hospice.  The time away helped us to talk about memories of Elizabeth and talk to the children about how they feel without being rushed, as we are when we are at home.  Taking the trip to Croyde also gave us the chance to go back to some of the places we took Elizabeth in her final few days, Instow and Saunton Sands.  The Everything Ellie beach hut at Saunton holds so many wonderful memories for us.

Another big hurdle for me has appeared to be the school holidays.  I miss Elizabeth so much and the holidays highlight the gap in our family.  Typically, the holidays usually involve lots of cuddles in bed in the morning, followed by fun days out and the children playing together when we get home.

I know in ones of the books I read, it talked about how mothers and fathers experiencing grief are more likely to suffer illnesses in the subsequent year.  This was true in August when I suffered with a throat infection and a D and V bug.  I think I was just so exhausted – mentally and physically.

All in all, I don’t think anything has changed for me in the last few months since Elizabeth died, I suppose I have learnt how to get through the day and sort the children out with what they need.  My priorities have changed and things that upset people and things people complain about feel irrelevant now.  I can function and I no longer feel the need to visit the grave every day.  People don’t talk about Elizabeth as much anymore, apart from close friends.  But I have noticed how forgetful I am, how I struggle to make decisions and I get confused, thinking I have done something when I haven’t! Elizabeth is constantly on my mind. I replay the day she had her ultrasound over and over and the day she died. Everything else must try and fit around my thoughts.

Releasing balloons in memory of Elizabeth

Day relapse was confirmed.